U2's new album is FREE and I still don't want it

Discussion
1

A few days ago, U2, in conjunction with Apple, released their <composes self> released their long awaited <pauses> <suppresses laugh> <remains composed> their long awaited new album Songs Of Innocence free on iTunes.

[laugh]

Hang in there, this is where it gets funny…trust me…

Ahem…

Seeing as I’m always up for a freebie whenever one’s there to be taken advantage of and seeing as I was in a good mood at the time <I had been drinking pear cider for two hours straight if you must know> I clicked on the “download” button thingy on iTunes and waited.

“Alright, Bono” I shouted, “you queer assed Irish flibbity gibbet with the glasses and the swagger and all - gimme what ya got”

After about 90 seconds <isn’t technology and shit a wonderful thing???> the download was complete. I drew a deep breath, took a sip of the ever present pear cider bottle nestled snugly on my lap and hit “play”. And that’s where the fun begins…

This is my review:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA AHA HA AHA HA AH!!!

[laugh]

[laugh]

[laugh]

Get this thing the fuck off my computer now. Get the fuck out of here!! What the fuck!!! What the hell is this shit? Has the world finally gone mad? These guys make millions and millions and millions of dollars making…this…stuff???

Sample lyrics:

[i]You’re breaking into my imagination…whatever’s there is yours to take

Every breaking wave, tells the next one there’ll be one more.

Hold me, hold me close. Never let me go.

Every gambler knows that to lose is what you’re really there for.

The weight that drags you down well that’s what takes me where I need to be.

There is no, yeah there is no end to love it just goes on.

I go through the day like a knife through butter.

I was looking for a soul that was real and then I met you.[/i]

[laugh]

I wish I was making this up. I wish I was, Grmpy. You understand don’t you? Don’t you?!?!

How can this happen? What have we come to? Is this the end of days??

End of review.

Curtain closes.

.

[DELETES FILE]

2

Those buttrangers got $100 Million for that deal.
$100 Million.
Did I say that right?
$100 Million.

Holy crap.
That’s . . . . wow. One Hundred Million Dollars.
$100,000,000.00

I hope they all get cancer and die.
Tomorrow.
Or tonight.
Whichever comes first.

3

Gunnar, I think you must summon the curse on at least one of the members.

4

like a knife through butter…

I saw that it mysteriously appeared on my phone, and wondered when/why I had done that. Then I realized I HADN’T.

I did not bother to download it.

5

I listened to it. It’s not very good. I probably won’t listen to it again. That being said, I’m willing to speak up in defense of U2. They get ragged on a lot, and it’s hard not to with a stunt like this, but they have a phenomenal collection of singles littering the 80s and 90s. U2 is pretty great.

6

I saw that it mysteriously appeared on my phone, and wondered when/why I had done that. Then I realized I HADN’T.

I did not bother to download it.

I know!!! It’s like a virus. A digital virus. It creeps into your iPhone or iPad or iCock or whatever the hell the kids are playing with these days. Fuck me!!

And it’s it’s…it’s not JUST the lyrics but the music too. So insipid. So uninspired. It’s like some wishy washy crap being played in the background during an episode of…Dawson’s Creek (!!!) <yeah, ok Dawson’s Creek will have to do for now> as some wishy washy teenager with no visible acne and perfect hair and teeth walks down the hallway after breaking up with the…the…the head football guy whatever. She’s walking down the hallway, crossing her arms, a tear in one eye, her head is turned, the weight of the world is carried on her shoulders…

Songs Of Innocence IS the soundtrack to that scene folks. This lame-ass “wicka wicka wicka” strumming of the guitar and a repetetive “chugga chugga chugga” rhythm section. Here and there will be a flourish of synth to add “ambiance” <if by ambience you really mean soap or toilet detergent commercial> and the faint “oooh oh oh oooh oh ooh” of voices echoing in the background, just so you know - you MUST UNDERSTAND DAMMIT - that this is poignant, touching, deeply resonating music .

This music is all about what it is to be human, you see? The way we move through our lives, intertwining but never really touching. How love is like a fleeting glimpse of nature’s beauty seen from the window of a speeding train as you hurtle toward your destination. The soft, brittle kiss of an autumn wind. A midnight walk through a moonlit field on a warm summer’s night.

It reminds us that we are, after all, merely human. That we are all vulnerable. Like petals on a flower growing on the lip of a volcano that at any moment could destroy us. But we cling on. Because, as this music reminds us, love is worth clinging onto.

I hope you understand?

7

Why couldn’t Apple have given me something better on my phone instead? Like AIDS.

8

U2 is the fucking worst.

Did you hear that Apple had it automatically download to people’s iPhones? And since you didn’t ask for it, or maybe you think they suck, when you go to delete it warns you that you won’t be able to re-download.

9

I wish I was, Grmpy.

Most people do…[:|]

I detest U2

10

U2 is the fucking worst.

Did you hear that Apple had it automatically download to people’s iPhones? And since you didn’t ask for it, or maybe you think they suck, when you go to delete it warns you that you won’t be able to re-download.

Just read on the BBC that they had to create a special tool to let people delete it. it wouldn’t just delete!!

11

Why couldn’t Apple have given me something better on my phone instead? Like AIDS.

I would literally pay thousands of dollars to say that to Bono’s face.

12

Here’s another good reason to not use itunes.

13

I listened to it. It’s not very good. I probably won’t listen to it again. That being said, I’m willing to speak up in defense of U2. They get ragged on a lot, and it’s hard not to with a stunt like this, but they have a phenomenal collection of singles littering the 80s and 90s. U2 is pretty great.

I have been into U2 since i was a child, 1984 i think. I’ve always stuck up for them until the 2000s when they got boring, but i loved everything before that. This record is a piece of shit, and it took 6 boring years to make. I listened to it once, through gritted teeth, and it’s pretty much totally worthless. I despise Bono, the twat.

15

U2 is the fucking worst.

Did you hear that Apple had it automatically download to people’s iPhones? And since you didn’t ask for it, or maybe you think they suck, when you go to delete it warns you that you won’t be able to re-download.

When the first iPods with touch screens came out, I was immediately irritated to see that the little “artist” selection icon is a profile of Bono’s face, and that there was seemingly no way to ‘mod’ it out to something different.

It is things like this that make me really detest this company; foisting their own stupid tastes on me as well as endlessly trying to portray themselves as some great philanthropic organization - they manufacture their machines with Chinese slave labor just like any of their competitors, whatever Bono may think of that.

16

My wife and I were talking about this story yesterday. Sure enough, we both had the album on our phones. The funny thing is that I never use the music feature on my phone so it was the ONLY album. If I was in court and under oath I would have to honestly swear that . . . . My phone’s music library consists solely of U2 music.

Out of dangerous curiosity I clicked on the track list. The very first song is called . . . . “The Miracle (of Joey Ramone)”. It was anything but miraculous. The only miracle was that Joey didn’t rise out from his grave and kill Bono for trying to use his good name to steal some sort of fabricated street cred.

I listened to about 40 seconds of it and didn’t click on any other tracks.

I’m going to have to find that picture I made where I murdered Bono by putting him through a deli-slicer. I hate them. I hate them so much.

17

Found it!

Okay. I’m proud to report that I have successfully killed Bono. I could not have asked for better results.

I got his itinerary and found out he was speaking to the United Nations about, what else, but feeding the starving Africans, of course. So I waited outside for him and as soon as I saw him I shoved past his bodyguards and clubbed him like a baby seal and knocked him unconscious. I then took him back to my place and meticulously removed his head and spinal cord and kept them alive by connecting them to a car battery.

Having successfully kept his stupid head alive so that he could see everything that would take place, I took his torso and still living head and flew to Ethiopia to continue . . .

After arriving in the most destitute, starving village, I ran his body through a deli slicer and then fed all the poor starving Africans with fresh Bono lunch meat. Of course I made sure that Bono could clearly view the little malnourished bastards savoring every last bite of Bono sashimi, Bonoloaf, and Bonwich.

Eventually the car battery died, but I’m happy to tell you that the last image Bono had in his mind and took to his grave is that of joyful Ethiopians chomping down on his tender flesh and high-fiving each other over such a delectable meal.

19

You turned little starving africans into cannibals? Fucker!
That shitty album downloaded to my phone as well!!
[pirate]

20

That would only be true if Bono were human, Grumps!

21

I’ve always hated U2 and Bono…

that is all…

22

I’ve always hated U2 and Bono…

that is all…

When I was young, U2 was really popular, but especially amongst the church I was attending. You see, back in the day, U2 somehow got slotted as a “Christian” rock band and they managed (at least in my world) to straddle mainstream secular popularity while still maintaining Christian acceptability (double dippers!).

This, I think, made them all the more special to the church kids who didn’t have to worry about getting flack from their parents, youth leaders, etc. and they could still show all their school friends and stuff that they were hip because they liked U2.

Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I never really gave a crap about the band, but I didn’t absolutely despise them like I do now. When that stupid “Rattle and Hum” movie came out, my youth group leader (I must have been about 14 at the time) wanted to see the film and took me to see it (no, the story isn’t going “there”, don’t worry).

I remember being so incredibly bored, and while I don’t remember anything about the film really, I remember one scene. U2 is sitting on top of a grass hill or embankment thing and then The Edge (seriously, there’s a guy in the band called The Edge) slides down the hill on his butt.

It was mundane and stupid, but everyone in the theatre thought is was just the craziest most rebelliously carefree and rockstar thing they’d ever seen and were howling and laughing hysterically.

It was that moment. That EXACT moment. That was when I decided I hated U2 and anyone that liked that stupid band. My hatred would only grow stronger (and get more justified) over the years.