I know what you’re thinking. Even before you clicked on this topic and rolled your eyes in disbelief, your collective minds were already made up.
You hate me and there’s no denying it.
It’s ok though - be frank. I like frank. I’ve always liked him even though he once forced me…hmmmm, best not bring that old chestnut up.
Don’t suppress your emotions. It’s unnatural.
You hate me.
You hate me like Hitler hated gypsies. Like Simon hated Garfunkel. Like Jesus hated cripples. Like The Waltons hated John Boy.
Having something like that hanging over yr head, I’ll not kid around, it’s a weird place to be in. But I’ve made my peace with that hatred. I nurture it. Caress it like an old, wrinkly friend. Feed and dress its wounds. Whisper sweet musings into its open ear.
But let’s be honest - there’s one amongst you that hates me most of all. One whose hatred rises like bile in his throat at the mere mention of my very name. One whose very mission in life is to see me hang by the giblet, for the sport of my own crows.
We all know who that person is.
His name is Grmpysmrf.
Face it. At some point we’ve all wanted a piece of this fella. To say that this guy wields an opinion like Thor wields a hammer or Jodie Foster wields a set of balls is one massive understatement. When it comes to a point, his holier than thou stance and merciless gaze will take no prisoners. Will offer no respite. I’m sure at some point in time we’ve all felt his wrath rain down upon us like a vengeful deity unhappy with his people and their godless ways.
To say that he’s left his mark upon this assembled throng of like minded ne’er do wells and social misfits is like saying Kurt Cobain was a bony armed lollygagger.
It is obvious and needs not be overstated.
So with the benefit of hindsight and the fear of reprisal a distant memory I am left asking - what now? What now, Grmpysmrf. We are at a crossroads here and it now begs the question - what sort of man are you? A man of conviction? A man who seeks justice? Righteousness?
Do pleas of mercy fall upon deaf ears, Grmpy? Can you walk away from a hollow victory.
I for one would like to return to the fold. To walk among you as a brother and like minded fool. But whether this is possible now remains to be seen. Second chances and good intentions oft go astray - just look what happened with - dare I say - Mel Gibson, when he begged to be given another chance.
That’s right - we were given The Beaver and Get The Gringo as reward for our compassion. And to this day it still leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
I know there are those among you who would rather see me suffer, like a parched and neglected dog in a city street, scratching for a meal.
I assure you that’s a normal, dignified emotional response, so put away your shame.
But I need to hear it from Grmpy. Without his proverbial nod of approval I cannot continue and expect clemency. Grmpy alone must set the terms of my reinstatement and no other. The reasons why this must be and known to him and I alone as we alone have walked this path together.
They say that blood is thicker than water. Maybe that is so. But honey is thicker than blood and toffee is thicker still. So I guess whoever said that had no freakin’ clue what he was on about. Nor am I sure why I brought it up in the first place. Maybe I’m hungry? Anyway, it doesn’t matter. What matters here is something else. What that something else might be I either don’t know or did know at some point and have now forgotten.
Which is a shame seeing as I wanted to end this on an emotionally stirring point.
So instead, I’ll ask you this - What the hell did Anne Frank do that was so “courageous”?? I’m not having a go at her or anything I just can’t for the life of me understand why she’s so highly regarded in 20th century history. What did she even do? She hid? And wrote about it? in her diary. Unbelievable. She also wrote a whole lot of stuff about her family which wasn’t particularly nice. Which is weird seeing as they were all in the same pickle together. Lots of people at that time didn’t hide from the Nazis and write about it in their diaries. No, they fought the good fight and went down swinging. Yet history has either ignored them entirely or reduced them to a mere footnote.
It’s all very confusing.
Oh yeah, sorry:
Whaddaya say Grmpy? Shall I come back? Is all forgiven. Or has hatred crippled and twisted your very heart?
