One of my students died tonight

Discussion
1

I can’t sleep, I think I’m more in the shocked phase right now. Not sure what I have to gain by posting about death again. Not looking for sympathy. Just typing I guess.

She died in a car wreck, going too fast, tried to change lanes and either a car cut her off or she didn’t see that there was a car already there but over corrected back into the lane and rolled her truck, head injury killed her instantly. She was the only vehicle involved. She had just gotten off work and had picked up a little Kitty and was going home to share the new pet with the family.

She was a hard luck case, she graduated a year late, she was 85 credits down and managed to make all of those credits up in 1 year. A hard worker but High School certainly wasn’t her strong suit.

The 8 mos she had after high school, though, she really shined. She had 2 jobs and was going to beauty school. She had only a couple of classes left before she graduated beautician school. The girl got herself up at 3 am every morning to go to work, took classes on her lunch and then went to another job.

Her interests didn’t lie in high School but where they did lay she was all in.

She was one of those “toughs” types. Too cool for anything, life just bored the shit out of her, tried to be the dry sarcastic unfeeling 19 year old. It just made her look pretentious. But I could tell she was a softy but she had encountered so much disappointment (she comes from a family that has waaay more than their share of problems, I won’t get into) in her short life that it was just easier for her to put on the uncaring unfeeling costume to keep herself from being disappointed.

The thing that sucks about it all was she was just really starting to taste success, her own success, Shit that she cared about, that she was going after on her own, she was excelling at life, which is a way better position to be in than excelling at text books. She was becoming a person that didn’t lose or get the short end of the stick all the time, like she had grown accustomed too. She was creating and achieving her own goals and fulfilling them, seeing that she could make herself happy and not let situations around her dictate her moods.

I worked pretty closely with this girl last year to get her completed with school and got pretty close with her family too (although, I was already pretty close with her family because her younger sister had been coming to the school for 2 years before she enrolled with us), so it sucks for the family too not just because they lost a daughter and a sister and because of the work and the potential that is now gone but after all their years of worry and they finally get some breathing room and it’s all just dashed!

she had done so poorly in school and they had pretty much written her off, so when this girl graduated High School her parents were relieved. But the super sucky part is the last time I saw her parents (about 2 weeks ago) her parents were proud of her, PROUD, beaming from ear to ear with pride for her accomplishments, couldn’t stop bragging about her. It was nice to see for the first time since I’d met them (3 years now) they were no longer worried for their daughter they were enthusiastic for her. and now it’s all just gone. the blink of a fucking eye! :frowning:

Late,
grmpysmrf

2

I’m so sorry to hear that, Grumps.
Death can suck it. I’m pretty fed up with it myself.
My thoughts and prayers go out for her family and friends.

3

My condolences, man. [:(]

4

Terrible news, sorry to hear about that. The roads are so dangerous, one mistake and it can all be over, sadly.

5

fuck man…as a teacher you know I feel your pain. REALLY feel your pain because I deal with the same type of students.I have to head to school now but PM me brother if you need to talk…I’m here…

7

That’s harsh. A friend of a friend died in a car accident last weekend.
Wear your seatbelts, people.

8

Grumpy, my heart goes out to you. Being a teacher is so rewarding because it offers you the chance to become a part of a multitude of lives. But that is a double-edged sword. You build connections with those kids, some of them big, and some of them little, but they are definitely there. And this sounds like a kid that you had a significant connection with.

Seeing those students blossom, especially when you know that you’ve had an effect, is a high that you’ll carry with you for life. The downside though, is that when you lose one, it’s like losing a limb.

I don’t post as much about my “real” life as some people on here, so I didn’t mention it when I lost a student about two weeks ago. One of the girls in my “Advisory group” (a group that meets daily for a variety of reasons, every student is in one) took her own life on a snow day. It fucking wrecked me. I know the array of emotions you’re probably going through. Sadness, yes. But pride over what you had done, regret over not doing more, and I’ll bet a little part of you saying that you’re taking it too hard, because she wasn’t family or anything. Ignore that last part; those kids are like family if you’re doing your job right. Let it hurt, and let people know that it hurts. Keep things in perspective, but don’t bottle it.

One of my colleagues sent this out to staff the night we found out. Sometimes when you’re lost for words, it’s nice to borrow words from others:

“I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in a big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody’s around–nobody big, I mean – except me. And I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff–I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all. Know it’s crazy, but that’s the only thing I’d really like to be. I know it’s crazy.”

Like Soul Driver, I’m available if you want to pm.

9

Did the kitten survive?

It did. unscathed. it was in a pet carrier.
Late,
grmpysmrf

10

@gunnar, Thanks, man. You’ll pass by a new cross on the FWY the next time you roll to vegas. It happened by an exit you are very familiar with. The Ft Irwin exit on that downhill grade right before you come into Yermo.

@ Ice, Thanks brother.

@Jay, unfortunately 1 mistake is all it takes.

@SoulDriver, Thanks for the words, footie and the offer. I know you and mqhanlon are close to the situation without actually knowing her. There is certainly a bond that forms between you and your students and then when you’re there for there accomplishments no matter how big or small that bond just strengthens. and without playing favorites it means so much more when the harder to reach students do succeed.

I talked to her mom and little sister last night and they are super strong. I was expecting them to be inconsolable, but I think they are still too in shock to be blathering about. Mom was talking like she was in a daze and Little sis was talking in a normal voice, no cracks, no dramatic emotion just very matter of fact.

I think because they are still in shock and they are quite literally taking care of all the well-wishers and friends that keep stopping in or calling that they aren’t really grieving their loss yet.

@the rev, I’m not sure about the seat belt, chances are she was wearing it. she (by her little sister’s own accounts) was just a really bad driver, and then you throw in over worked and over tired, it’s just an ugly mix. sorry for your own loss by the way.

@mqhanlon, Thanks. Thank you. those borrowed words are great especially since I really am at a loss for words. I just may use them. I am sad this morning, I am letting myself go through the process, I’m not bottling anything up. You’re right that double edged sword is a nasty one.

I’m sorry to hear about your student as well. I’ve had a student take their life before and it’s so bewildering, you keep thinking you missed something and (to borrow those words) you let one of those kids get by you over the cliff. but we have to realize that even though we see these kids everyday we are not their whole world and they do suffer with many issues besides having to sit through one of our lessons or deal with the disappointment of not doing as well as expected on a test. Again like souldriver thanks for the offer.

Thanks for the comments everyone, I really am not looking for sympathy, although what else is there in a situation like this? just, thanks for responding, This board is great and like the rev said, buckle up and I’ll add, be cautious when you’re out there
Late,
grmpysmrf

11

Sad news…the part about the parents is the heart-wrencher…ugh,tough situation…at least you know you made an impact in her life,Grmpy…sorry for the loss,dude…

12

Damn, dude. Just, damn…

13

Awe, Smrfy, my deepest condolences. You can’t save everybody, even if you try.
Just know that everyone grieves in their own way; there is no right way or wrong way.

Who is going to take care of the kitty?

I got a call this morning at 6:30 am: My sister slipped and fell on the ice last night and fractured her left hip (she’s 33, not 83). She’s in the hospital on mophine waiting to talk to the orthopedic. I keep thinking if she had hit her head instead of her hip on the ice-covered concrete, she may not have made it. Then what?

14

Jeez, I hope your sister comes out OK.
If it’s not one thing it’s another around here.

15

Who is going to take care of the kitty?

The family is keeping the kitty. They have named the cat after her.
Late,
grmpysmrf

16

Good that kitty has a home instead of being seen as a bad memory of why kitty survived and their loved one did not.

Sis just went into surgery. Three pins to hold it together. Found out that it happened at 11:30 pm. She is lucky someone found her or she would have froze to death because it is about 20 degrees outside.

17

Ouch, hip surgery must be absolute agony to get over. I fractured my right arm a couple of months ago, nothing major at all, but it was incredibly sore, probably mainly because i’d never been injured before. Hip surgery’s much more serious, hope your sis gets on well with her recovery and isn’t too down about being immobile for a while.

18

Sorry to hear, grmp. That is a terrible abrupt end to a life, one that, from impressions related, was special.

This is the gauntlet that we all run from time to time - when you invest your care in someone who dies like that so suddenly it is hard to know how to deal with it let alone make sense of it. But you cant control what could happen to any of your students so all you can do is do what you can when you can to bring them along. You may feel powerless in all of this and nothing can be done to right it because she’s gone forever but you can express your care for her through deeds with others. Take your wife and your kid out somewhere nice or do something you wouldn’t otherwise do, or maybe something your student would have appreciated.

Let her be an inspiration towards a benevolent act. It’s one positive way to get through loss.

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One of my acquaintances got a call last night that her cancer stricken mother was in the hospital and she better bust ass out to Ohio from St. Louis. She rushed out there straight away, and got to the hospital where they told her she had already died two hours before she arrived. The hits just keep coming out there. Hug your peeps.

Me, I’ve got a pretty nasty toothache, but in the face of all this, I ain’t complaining. Be well everybody. Much love to the Prongs nation.

20

Sorry for the bump. I think everyone let this thread drop pretty quick on purpose but I wanted to address zick and davely and a few others.

@queer bait, yeah the part about the parents really is the heart wrencher. They had tried so hard with their daughter and what everyone mistook for lazy was just disinterest because this girl was no slouch and she proved that rather quickly when she was finally out of high school and was able to do the shit she wanted to do. ONE nice thing out of all of this is I’m sure her parents told her how proud they were of her, BUT I definitely did, that was one of the last things I said to her was specifically how proud I was of her. she smiled and said thank you as she was leaving. which was tremendous because she was the type of girl who would make sure nobody was around before she would smile.

@Mooney, Sorry about your sis, glad to hear that things went her way though. On top of such a horrible situation freezing to death would been a horrible pain to shoulder for her family and friends.

@Zick, Thank you for the words. They were extraordinarily comforting, Not sure what you wrote that was different from the others but it really struck a chord with me, so thank you.

@Davely Fucking late! damn that’s a hard pill to swallow. I’d say that’s almost worse than an abrupt exit, because you have time to plan and yet you still missed it. :frowning:
I’m sorry to say but your toothache brought a smile to me in the face of all of this…

person #1 My fucking house burned and someone stole my shitbox of a car. Things suck.

Person #2 Yeah I know what you mean my plant died last night.

It’s comical. I know you probably didn’t mean it that way but I got a chuckle from it.
Thank you everyone.
Late,
grmpysmrf

21

Glad my tooth could be of service. It has been the source of much mirth in the last couple days.

Yesterday I was preparing for a noise show I was playing (first in a long time), and I got some bad news. Which led me to comment on Facebook and have the following exchange:

Me: Well, hell… now I wish I had worked more rage into my set for tonight.

Brad: I could come on stage and start hitting you.

Me: Just make sure you hit me square in the toothache.

Brad: Dude, I will fucking BITE you in the toothache.

Brad: You’ll be all like “oh hey Brad, how’s it goOOOOOOH GOD FUCK!”

Me: And you’ll be all like “crunch crunch crunch”

Brad: lol, yeah.

Keep your head up Grumps. There’s always something to smile about if you look hard enough.