Once upon a time there was a kind and wise man with a beautiful and kind wife but a really crappy family. Despite being a man of good heart and generosity, his family insisted on giving them cheap garbage for Christmas. It wasn’t the lack of monetary value that made this couple’s hearts ache, though, it was the total lack of care or emotion with which such garbage would be selected and then wrapped up and presented to them like it was some sort of treasure.
They never asked for any gifts and a few times the man had even tried to tell his family “I don’t want anything” or he’d try to make it easier for them by saying, “If you have to get me something, just buy me some beef jerky or some beer.”
Some family members finally understood and stopped the madness. But not his sister, for her heart was evil and she would always give something that was so obviously crap that they’d gotten as gifts (or on the 99cent table at Ross) from someone else. Yes, she was a RE-GIFTER! But a regifter without the decency to even give the topshelf rubbish. No, she would wrap up the crap that NO ONE would ever want.
So, sending her troll husband to do her evil bidding this year, a “gift” was delivered to the kind and wise man. He brought it home to his wife and they unwrapped it together, neither having expectations of anything other than garbage, yet still holding to a faint glimmer of hope that this year would be different.
And there it was . . . .
THE WORST GIFT EVER!!!
A cheap plastic wreath thing for putting a candle on. The couple stared silently for a bit, scratching their heads. “What the heck is this piece of crap?” the man exclaimed. His beautiful but disappointed wife just shook her head in disbelief. “You expected something else?” she asked, “They ALWAYS give us the worst gifts ever.”
“Yes,” answered the man, “but this is a new level of awful. This isn’t even a gift. This is a F*** YOU with a stale candy cane on it!”
The wife was wise, though, and quickly grabbed the box. “What’s the stock number?” and she started typing away on the interwebz, then said, “It’s from Wal-Mart. Here it is on the ‘Gifts under $10’ page.” I responded truthfully, “There’s no way they spent even $5 for this. I know them. They either found it in a clearance bin or they were given it by someone else . . . possibly last year.”
It was then that the wise and beautiful wife said the most lovely words ever uttered during the holidays or any other time . . . . “LET’S RETURN IT AND GET BACON!” The man was overswept with joy as he held his wife tightly and kissed her. “I love you so much,” he said, and away he went.
The unloved piece of crap gift stared sadly at the wise man, but he would not be swayed.
“Get in the car, Bitch!” he said to the crappy gift. “We’re gonna take a little ride!”
The wise and handsome (yeah, that’s right!) man, despite hating Wal-Mart and all the ugliness within, was resolute and brave and set his sights on the prize. Nothing would stop this man of courage.
Not the long treacherous line . . .
And not even the troll at the gate . . . he saw she was carrying a weapon . . .
. but he spoke to the troll and it was actually a kind troll for the troll told him just how much the crappy gift was worth . . . $9.97.
The kind troll also had sanitary wipes which the man appreciated in case he accidentally touched any of the other creatures in the store.
After walking the gauntlet and reaching the counter he was questioned by another set of trolls - - - “Do you have a receipt?” the counter troll asked. “No,” answered the man. And he was rewarded for his honesty by being presented with . . . . .
$10.74 STORE CREDIT!!!
The wise man and well-groomed (it’s all relative) man proceeded to the produce section and stood proudly before a wall of pork products.
There were so many choices . . .
The man got out his calculator and started doing Einstein-level bacon math to ensure he maximized his household’s joy this holiday season. “Let’s see,” he thought. Since the crappy gift was $9.97 before tax I should try to get up to $9.97 worth of bacon without going over." The wise man had watched many years of Price is Right. This is one reason why he is so wise.
So, he picked a few favorites . . .
Oscar Meyer Center Cut . . . $3.88
Farmer John Thick Cut . . . $4.68
That left a balance of $1.41. He saw the Maple Sausage Links were $1.38 and added them to his selection.
Surely, dreams can come true!
Grand total pre-tax . . . . $9.94. There was one final surprise and Christmas gift at the end, though . . . 88 cents store credit! As wise as the man was, he was not aware that bacon was untaxable (God bless America).
He went home as the proud conquerer and hero and made his wife bacon and sausage for 3 days straight.
Christmas was saved.
I hope all your holiday dreams come true!
Love,
Gunnar
<Tear>