I Rarely Leave The House

Discussion
1

I’ve been coming to this forum longer than I can remember. But over the past year or so I’ve had little enthusiasm for doing even that - or much else to be honest.

And it’s getting worse.

Let me explain.

Around the end of last year, the magazine I was working on as an assistant designer closed shop and I found myself redundant - a situation I have not faced since my early twenties. I tried getting other similar work but no go. I have been told the print industry over here is going through a major downsize and the role that I had is now more or less redundant in the industry as everything is now digital and the focus has shifted to online distribution rather than printed media.

So fair enough. I got some money saved - enough to last me happily for three or four years- and some time off I thought might do me good. However, it has now been 11 months since I last held gainful employment and shit is not looking up.

To make things worse the relationship I was involved in collapsed around the same time. Everything had been going well and i was finding my feet again after getting divorced three years ago. But the stupid girl I was seeing told me that she wanted to date somebody she could see having a future with and that my prospects as a partner were “limited”. Great.

Since then I’ve had the odd date here and there but nothing really took. This has made me seriously doubt my self worth. Which is never a good thing.

Friendships have dried up. Guys I hung out with are now either married, moved away or just “too busy” having successful careers, leaving me all alone to battle it out.

Then, about six weeks ago something else happened. Late one night, I was walking back to my car after some late night bookstore browsing. Two leather jacketed dudes were walking out of the multi storied car park I was entering when one of them made some smart assed remark about my physical appearance. I turned and snapped “The fuck is your problem, fucker” and they both set on me. Slammed me into a concrete wall, beat me around the face and stomach and kicked me in the ribs as I fell to the floor.

I reported the incident but I’m doubtful anything’s going to happen as the cops didn’t seem to think there was much chance of an arrest.

So there you go.

Nowadays, I rarely go out unless I have to. I will do the grocery shopping, grab a burger or pizza and maybe a dvd rental but that’s about it. I spend long periods of time on my own - usually just watching television (often late into the night. sometimes even til sunrise), listening to music, surfing the net or just lazing around with a cup of coffee (of which I drink way too much) and a donut (of which I eat way too much).

Two weeks ago I didn’t leave the house for four days straight other than to retrieve the paper from the front lawn. The blinds are often drawn so I’m existing in a state of semi darkness

Often I will call up for home delivery - pizza, indian food, chinese, mexican whatever - and spend many hours pigging out on salty, fatty garbage. I never used to drink much, but now I’m drinking four or five days a week and it’s usually the harder stuff (not really a beer drinker). Also smoking around 12 -15 ciggies a day. So you can imagine what this is doing to my physical health let alone my mental state.

I have been living as a virtual hermit now for as long as maybe five months and don’t know how to break this chain of behaviour.

Does anyone have any tips? Has anybody else here been through something similar? Or have you had a friend/relative/loved one who has lived through the same sort of thing?

I’d be glad to hear some of your own personal stories if possible. Won’t do much but would maybe help me feel kinda not so alone to know that others out there have been through the same thing.

Any thoughts?

2

Be selfless. It’s the only recommendation I can give you. I don’t know your opinions on others, or the world in general, but even in your state you are elbows and assholes higher than what most of the world is in right now.

Donate blood.

Volunteer at a not-for-profit.

Promote causes that you typically shy from, yet gets you out and about in the general public.

Social interaction is key. Fuck relationships for now - you want someone to take you in; you’re able-bodied and happening right now.

Plan B - do you hate people? Okay. Then get into a workout routine. It’s discipline, albeit fun if you channel all your energies into something that will get the blood flowing. The best part is you can pig out on tons of fresh veggies and lean meat.

3

To your last part -

I am married, suffer through mood swings and odd bouts of depression, self-doubt and loneliness. I should have it all. I am what I am.

I’m no god or martyr. I just know that either one day, my end will be because of what I do or what comes naturally. I don’t want to be a feeble, sinewy fuck, because I already sort of am and know that it only gets more boring as I get older.

Lead by words, not by my example. Especially since I could do better. I just wish I had more time on my hands - that’s where you benefit.

4

Be selfless. It’s the only recommendation I can give you. I don’t know your opinions on others, or the world in general, but even in your state you are elbows and assholes higher than what most of the world is in right now.

This is good advice in theory. But if it were that easy to drag one’s self out of a hole, then western society would be a utopian paradise to love in because, well, after all, we’re a lot better off than most.

Unfortunately the holes we dig for ourselves are often too deep to pull ourselves out of.

I have tried to be social and to place myself outside of my comfort zone but it never works out and I end up feeling worse than ever before.

Each day is harder and harder.

I understand that African children are dying of hunger and Iraqis are being murdered and displaced by the millions.

But sitting here in my empty lounge room, staring out my front window onto a grey and unforgiving suburbia, it’s little consolation to my plight.

5

Don’t be intimidated by the volunteer stuff. It’s great advice, nonetheless, but I think JLW and I both think the first step is getting you out of the damn house.

I think a good way to start could be with meals. Find a few diners/ cafés/ restaurants that you like okay and can make some decently healthy food with some veggies and such. Eat at the bar/counter if there is such an option. You’re ensured some control over your meals and you’ll also strike some social rapport with the staff.

Again, don’t even put finding a girlfriend on your to do list now. Just focus on re-entering society at the base level first.

I would also recommend strong focus on career goals. If what you were doing isn’t viable anymore, broaden your sight and open yourself up to anything, knowing that it could grow from there and at worst case, at least you’d have a routine that pays.

You can also explore some continuing education. You don’t need to pursue a new degree or anything, but there could be some cheap or free classes you can take for accounting, welding, graphic design, you name it. It’ll get you out of the house, increase your value, and provide another social dimension too.

Best of luck to you, Dude. I think, by writing this post, you know that you need to take action. The next step is doing something.

6

You can also explore some continuing education. You don’t need to pursue a new degree or anything, but there could be some cheap or free classes you can take for accounting, welding, graphic design, you name it. It’ll get you out of the house, increase your value, and provide another social dimension too.

THIS^ I went back to community college for a semester or two after I had my B.A. just for the social aspect. Didn’t give crap one about passing the class. I was there to mingle… (That was before community college got insanely expensive. not sure how it is in Oz) but it gets you into an out of the house routine.

8

Don’t be afraid to seek counseling if you need it. Seriously.

9

I understand what you are going through. I have actually been unemployed for 12 months now. And I have spent that whole time laying low saving money. Which actually interprets to staying in the house, and only going to the grocery store. I wake up everyday at 7 am like I have a job. Make coffee. I look for jobs in the morning (until noon), then I just hang at the house. I have veered away from drinking as it isn’t as fun for me as I get older. And gives me heavy heavy depression and guilt. I quit smoking cigs about 4 years ago so I don’t smoke anymore. So basically I don’t do shit. No women, beer maybe once a month at the most. Very minimal and contained life. Did I mention no women?

However, I realize that this is temporary. I realize I am doing this to hold onto resources to get my next gig. I’m older so all of my friends are married. I hang with them sometimes but rarely. One friend sold his company and moved to California. Point being is all of my friends have moved on as well. It’s cool though. I know that they are there for support if I need it. And the cool thing is my family has been an unbelievable support to me through this time. I have just about wiped out my savings which I am cool with. all my focus is on getting that next gig. No pussy, no drinking, no hanging out.

The interesting change is that I am am hoping to have two offers this week. TWO dude. So I’m chilling out just waiting. Point is… this will come back around. Use this time to reflect on you, and focus on you. but make that a positive outcome. Don’t be a fucking dipshit and get all sad and decide you want to fuck some shit up. Turn this around in your favor. I have always had an opinion that ALL emotions are good - it’s what we do with them that can make them bad. Yes, I am including jealousy.

To the print career thing. Yea, it is dude. It’s a fact that the world is going digital. I am an IT professional. I have typically worked in the marketing world in Atlanta. It’s a fucking exhausting trendy plastic life. That’s why I left my job. I’m sick to fucking death of it. I talking full on Jetsons looking office. But that’s just me. I work with creatives (designers) and have for over 15 years. Point being… you with your print experience could work in the web or digital industry with your background in seconds.

Lastly, stay away from women right now, get a job - then worry about pussy.

10

You are not alone.

I just came off a new-to-me Rx for panic disorder (flying and when someone else is driving) that made me incredibly depressed; I had never felt that low in my entire life (btw, my panic disorder is stress induced and the only way to stop the stress would be to quit my job, which would be a whole other stress in itself).

Sounds like you may have clinical depression, which is pretty common at least once in each person’s life.

I fully agree on not getting into another relationship right now. IMO, You have to concentrate on you first before involving another person.

Working out helps, and cleaning up your diet will also help you to feel better.

Getting out of the house would be the next step. If that doesn’t work, you may want to think about being diagnosed and treated. If it is clinical depression, it’s not normally just something you get over on your own with time.

11

all excellent advice from fellow prongers. I assure you, this place is amazing and feel free to always reach out to us whether it’s here or through a PM. I can actually say that a few folks here really opened my eyes and turned my life around in some dark times of my life (in retrospect, I look back and think “what the hell was wrong with me!? things weren’t as bad as I thought” )

that thought will be in your head too, eventually. you’ll realize this time period is actually necessary to go through,to come out the other side stronger, wiser, and more in touch with yourself than ever before. trust it and believe it.

focus on the things that make you happy. when I was down, I always found comedy to make me laugh, in particular I’d listen to old Howard Stern stuff non stop.
even if it’s for 20 minutes of feeling better here and there, that makes a big difference throughout the day, and gave me something to look forward to the next day.

also focus on releasing…whether it’s feelings, emotions, thoughts. one of the best ways to release that, besides meditation, is through expressing yourself…if you play instruments, let it all out. if you write, write journals or poetry. heck even if you DON’T write, try it anyway. sounds corny, but over time, it’ll make you feel better. same can be said with drawing,graphic designing,painting etc.

I’ll be blunt, but cut the crappy food out. I’ve always been a thin person, but ate bad. I changed my eating habits, and I can assure you, it actually made me feel better, both physically and mentally.

another great form of release is through excerise. in particular I found a brand of yoga that kicked my ass but made me feel amazing both physically and mentally after trying it…and it gave me something to look forward to a couple times a week.

pussy will come when it’s meant to, don’t worry about that. that was a mistake of mine in the past! worrying too much about that shit.

and your next job will come when it’s meant to as well. it may not be as good as your last one, or it may be even better. but that could totally also be up to your perception on the matter.

12

Hi Amlux

I haven’t wrote on here for years but still lurk on occasion reading threads and I wanted to comment on yours.

Losing your job / career at the same time as a relationship ending is enough to send a lot of people into a tailspin. Your whole lifestyle has changed and it is much harder when you’re older to find support as most of your friends are in a different place (partnered up / with kids etc) and although they can try and be understanding it’s likely the majority are not living through it alone day after day, hour after hour.

From my own experience I have battled with depression and anxiety on and off for a large part of my life which is both genetic and related to a horrible upbringing. I am currently going through my second divorce in a town where I don’t know anyone not related as friends to my ex.

Luckily I have a good job that allows me to work from home a lot but it does mean that when I get depressed I tend to isolate myself not going out. Not good long term and I’ve gone about two weeks before not leaving the house. The problem is it only makes it worse. When I do get it together to go into the office or go out for the evening to see friends I feel much better afterwards so in my experience it’s a real catch 22. Getting out of the house and socialising really helps bring your energy up and motivates you and makes you generally feel better but to get out of the house when you’re sunk in a mental hole / depressed / shy / paranoid / whatever is really a battle and a whole lot harder than ‘just pull yourself together’.

Someone above mentioned exercise and going to the gym is one of the things I try and do. Going to the Dr’s and maybe asking for antidepressants / therapy can work although I know some people are funny about doing that and that it may cost money in your country? Finding out if there are any groups meeting near you that you could go along too? Have you told any significant family members or friends about what you’re going through? Also local courses as mentioned above can be good. Basically you really need to try and find some kind of social thing to focus on even if it’s once a week.

Again from my experience there is nothing magical about hitting the bottom, mentally so to speak, it’s just a much longer slog out of it so it’s much better to try and nip things in the bud as quickly as you can, and to battle a bit every day to stay connected to the world.

Not sure if any of that is any help but take care and good luck, you’re definitely not alone.

13

It’s really massive of you to “lay it all out”
And it’s really “dude” to see others sharing cheers and tears

I , myself , have fucked myself at times being selfless. Yet , selfishness has also done me wrong. Thankfully I’ve had my little brother around, who has been treated just as shitty by his own family and others. We’ve discussed the possibility of not having close friends ever again, from sour taste. From coast to coast my being comes off radical, or one time coined, flippant . We are all still learning . If that is an accepted fact, acknowledged, than I believe you as a person still hold hope/will. I believe once people start pointing blame on outside sources and don’t have accountability ( I’m talking about you mom and dad) than you are already dead.

Chin Up
Power On
And do what you enjoy doing …

14

Everybody (just about) has been through this at some point. Growing up I had next to zero self confidence and it took me all of just about forever to land a girlfriend and a job.

Now I have two sick parents to take care of, no relationship and a job that earns me JUST enough to live on without having to kill and cook stray animals.

Were it not for the fact that I am able to live rent free at my parents, life would be about ten times shittier than it is now.

At the end of the day I try and be thankful for the very little that I do have and try whenever possible to make opportunities happen.

When I feel down (which is often), I see a movie, go for a run, txt a friend or try a new recipe I’ve always wanted to tackle. Just something small.

But I agree about how sometimes it all feels so hopeless and you feel so empty and alone and you look around and there are couples everywhere jogging together, holding hands, enjoying a night out. Yes it can definitely get you down and at times the weight is crushing.

I have definitely been privy to dark times where there seemed to be absolutely no light anywhere.

There have been times where it was near impossible to leave the saftey and security of my bedroom.

15

(in retrospect, I look back and think “what the hell was wrong with me!? things weren’t as bad as I thought” )

[;)]
edit:
Although, I will say, it is that bad when you’re in the middle of it.

16

“Why is it whenever you’re single all you ever see are couples and then when you’re part of a couple all you ever see are prostitutes?”-Jim Gaffigan

17

Hang in there dude. As was mentioned, most of us go through some sort of black patch. I most certainly did.

Within the space of six months I lost my house, my marriage, access to my kids and about half of everything I own.

Luckily I had some cash stashed away that I inherited when a relative passed away and a houseboat that I sold for cash, otherwise I would have been destitute.

And to make matters worse, I too found it very difficult to find work. I do freelance computer programming. After the divorce and court settlement, the work dried up due to the fact I couldn’t put my mind on anything. Last financial year, I earnt less than $20k, which is pretty rough considering how expensive it is to live in Sydney.

And my social life? Picking up but it was deader than dead a year ago.

You just need to try and get involved in new things and see life from a new perspective.

Things will pick up eventually…

18

Around the end of last year, the magazine I was working on as an assistant designer closed shop and I found myself redundant - a situation I have not faced since my early twenties. I tried getting other similar work but no go. I have been told the print industry over here is going through a major downsize and the role that I had is now more or less redundant in the industry as everything is now digital and the focus has shifted to online distribution rather than printed media.

I was a production designer for a large corporation for 17 years, it was my first “real” job out of college. The last 5 years there was hell as they started downsizing (bad economy/print advertising dying), so every 4 months they would have a conference call to all the offices to announce which office would be closing or that 1 person from a certain office would be laid off, etc. Eventually offices started being consolidated, I had to move to one and then eventually all of it went away and outsourced to India with one main office in the U.S. located on the other side of the United States. The reason I put up with it was because I was union and had a pension and it would be a big pay day for me to be let go instead of walking away and getting another job (severance check + union contract buy out). The other thing was that my graphic designing was very specific to the job, so I was really good at doing what they wanted me to do, but my overall skill set was getting stagnant. Obviously technology has advanced over the last two decades, print isn’t as dominant and, especially in the graphic design world, you need to also know web design, motion graphics, and maybe even some video editing. Plus most places want you to have a BA degree. So in that case, like you, I had enough saved up to live jobless for a while, so I went back to school to finish getting my BA degree and to increase my skill set. I would suggest this for you, too. It gets you out of the house and meeting new people and your brain simulated by learning new stuff. And you’ll feel better by having some direction in your life again.

To make things worse the relationship I was involved in collapsed around the same time. Everything had been going well and i was finding my feet again after getting divorced three years ago. But the stupid girl I was seeing told me that she wanted to date somebody she could see having a future with and that my prospects as a partner were “limited”. Great.

That sucks and all, but you are better off without her. It’s good to know where she stood then instead of her keeping it to herself and wasting more years with her. It’s easier to see that from the outside looking in though.

19

I understand what you are going through. I have actually been unemployed for 12 months now. And I have spent that whole time laying low saving money. Which actually interprets to staying in the house, and only going to the grocery store. I wake up everyday at 7 am like I have a job. Make coffee. I look for jobs in the morning (until noon), then I just hang at the house.

I got a job yesterday BITCHES! Took 12 fucking months, but I closed one. Signed the docs yesterday, start Monday.

In all seriousness Amlux, like Joe Dirt says “keep on, keepin’ on”. Shit will turn around.

20

In all seriousness Amlux, like Joe Dirt says “keep on, keepin’ on”. Shit will turn around.

Life’s a garden.
Dig it.

21

I’ve been wanting to chime in on this one for a while, but haven’t done so yet owing to serious busy-ness. As can probably be guessed by the little tidbits I’ve disclosed about my life here and there, I have also had nagging issues with depression and - while never agoraphobic - did have periods where it seemed pointless to put in any kind of public appearance.

Here’s what I can add to what everybody else has thoughtfully contributed.

When humans seem insufferable and impossible to deal with, look to other forms of sentient life. I took to raising dogs during one particularly awful patch, and that helped relax me a little, realizing that “people” are only one aspect of existence, as central as they may seem to that existence when you are one. However, this also had the unintended side effect of getting me to once again interface with real people with a common interest (I joined a local ‘dog club’ where we’d have meetings at a park and train the animals on ‘Schutzhund’ work etc.)

I second the thoughts on physical exercise. A martial art will be another thing worth getting into, both because you may learn defensive skills to prepare for the kind of boneheaded attack you had to suffer earlier, but also because (again) there may be the ‘unintended consequence’ of meeting other people who are learning along with you. I don’t think karate training ever made me more of a ‘badass,’ but it certainly inculcated respect and a certain kind of “fluidity” of thought and movement in me that expanded my boundaries tremendously.

Try also activities where, even if achieving a certain result will gain you greater rewards, the “process” itself will be a reward. Working with dogs, for example, put me in a great mood whether or not my own companion dog ever succeeded in anything (he won one trophy 7 years ago and not a whole lot since then.) Working with music and sound is very much the same for me. I’ve inoculated myself against the idea that I’m ever going to get major acclaim by doing what I do, which is way too abrasive and unusual for 99.8% of the general population. And yet I experience something similar to ecstacy - in the original meaning of “standing outside yourself” - during certain moments in the creative process. Those moments make all the other bullshit worthwhile. I seriously do recommend just downloading some free music software, of which there is a ton, and just fucking around as much as you like.