Zick,
I’m extremely sorry for your loss. This is not an easy thing to deal with. Someone close to my immediate family committed suicide and it really took it’s toll on many of us. Keep your head up and gather strength with your family. Hang in there!
Typed words cant express the sadness upon hearing this news Zick. My deepest sympathy for you and your family.
My deepest condolences to you, your family, and your mom’s friends.
When there is nothing else, there is always hope.
that’s the worst.
Junior year of high school I started sorta dating this girl, we’d been talking a lot for a few weeks, had a study group together, and went on one date, and then her mom killed herself. Turned out she had gambled all her daughter’s college money away. It was a very fucked up situation.
There is a very funny story that came out of the funeral, but I’ll relate that some other time.
Anyways, I know nothing I’ve been near can compare with what you’re going through, but I went through that, and several other similar situations, not to mention my own low moments and I’m sure everyone else here has too, and I’m also sure that ALL of us are here for ya if you need to talk.
Take care of yourself, man. You’re a good guy.
Firstly, thanks for your words guys. I’ve mentioned this about my mother because the issue (the nature of her death) needs to be highlighted as it’s such a difficult and intangible thing to deal with and, more importantly, prevent. I’ll try not to get into lengthy details but her suicide was very much from out of nowhere. One of the hardest aspects of the whole ordeal has been seeing her friends and their sheer shock and dismay.
Briefly: on a Tuesday morning (Jan 3rd) I went to collect my father at about 8:30am to bring him for a check up. I saw my mother and she seemed in fine spirits. Said goodye to her and drove off. Returned to the house just before 1pm and she was gone in her car. Nothing out of the ordinary. At about 2:30pm my father finds her handbag with money and phone inside and thinks it too strange for comfort, but still it could be that she switched bags and forgot to change over the stuff inside. Not too unlikely an occurence. But as the hours went on it was gettin worse and by 7pm that night the police had a search out. Her car was found a few miles from the house near a river just after 9pm that night. The search had to be called off due to weather and darkness. We went out the next morning with boats along the river and she was found (I didn’t find her) about 11am Wednesday morn about a mile downstream from where her car was. One of the searchers went straight for this particular area as he had already pulled four bodies out of there before.
My mother was always known for her cheerful spirit and good will. She was not unexceptional for a businesswoman and mother to have dealt with stress at various time of her life but there was no alarm or signal that something was seriously wrong. I (and many others I know) have a tendency not to be pessimistic or alarmist so if there was a difficult situation we’d be inclined to not treat it as major thing or that it could have a lasting impact. Though neither I nor anyone else will ever know for sure, I can make an informed guess that what drove her to do it was a build up issues and her ability to deal with it just wasn’t strong enough anymore. And I can strike out the common sentiment of selfishness when suicide is concerned. My mother was the most selfless person I’ve ever known. We have to try and think of how a person must feel when they are on the verge of ending their own life. They are probably so wracked with feelings of their own uselessness that they feel everyone would be better off without them. They are wrong to think this but they are in a different state of mind and can’t see it right.
The issue becomes trying to stop someone from doing it and that is a huge challenge as some suicides (like my mother’s) are not obvious to the unexpecting. As Mooney says, there is always something there to live for and that’s what we all, no matter how down we may be, must realise always so as to avoid the pitfall of ending your own life.
I’m just floored with sadness reading this, Zick. Really, Dude! I wish I could buy you a beer right now and give you a good strong bro-hug.
I’ve never had an immediate friend commit suicide but have had about 5-6 friends that have had a family member commit suicide. And I agree with you about striking off the cliche selfishness label as in all cases the person that took his (in all my examples it was men – and one boy) own life was generous and caring in all aspects.
I’ve had to deal VERY closely though with mental illness and depression in my own family. My own mother has gone through spells of sickness where she wouldn’t even leave the house for over a year. Terrible spells. Feelings of worthlessness, shame, and a really really distorted view of how she felt others perceived her. While I’m glad she pulled out of it (a few times), I can see the chance of it happening to my own mother as totally possible in such times.
I know just from hearing (from others as I’m too much of a puss to even be around at such times) from my Dad and sister that she truly felt like her existence was more of a burden on everyone than if she was gone. So, ultimately, I guess some of the suicide victims actually think they are doing this final act as mercy not just for themselves but for those around them.
Well, crap, Dude! Now you got me opening the emo vault and dumping out my own psychological baggage on the board.
Hang in there, Homie, and if you ever need to talk or scream or anything, just hit me up any time, for reals.
i hate to post this but…
17 people in the last month
4 of which who went to the same spot (at least that’s how I read it) to do the deed…
how do they know this is a suicide? or that any of them are suicides?
sounds kinda sketchy… any chance your mom may have been involved in any kind of fringe group you aren’t aware of?
I’m sure you and your dad will be going through her things and putting her affairs in order… might want to keep a specific eye out on any emails or chat boards or anything.
either way, I’m still sorry for your loss.
Late,
grmpysmrf
YOU ARE A FUCKING DOUCHEBAG
Death is fucking gay yo…
faggot.
I really can’t think of anything to say other than that I’m really sorry to be reading this news.
Everything you’ve said about the situation, has been spot on Zick. If there was anyone who was built to deal with this, it was you, and I for that I tip my hat to you. Stay strong, mate.
@grmp: Mistake in your inference. 17 suicides in the general hospital area; the other bodies that the guy who pulled my mother out of the river also found were from before this year (not part of the 17). The area is where the bodies have all been deposited due to the current of the river and size and bend of the river at this particular point.
We did background checks on her emails, computer activity, phone records… nothing out of the ordinary. The most “startling” thing we found was a crappy, self-help book on depression.
Sorry to hear about you loss. My wife’s brother took his own life about 10 years ago.
He was diagnosed with something called Charcot–Marie–Tooth disease. According to Wikipedia:
It is predominantly characterized by loss of muscle tissue and touch sensation, in the feet, ankles and legs as it progresses over time, but also in the hands, wrists and arms in various types of the disease.
Basically, there would be times when he would be walking and then just fall over because his legs would stop working. It then started spreading to his hands which upset him since he could no longer play guitar.
Apparently there are very painful spasms as well.
My mother in law found him in his apartment hanging from the ceiling.
It’s good that you are talking about it though, it’s best to not hold it inside. I used to force my wife to, and although she’d start balling, she’d feel better after.
Al
There’s nothing more I can say about this. Just hope you can find the strength to deal with this awful situation.
And thanks for your advice words. This situations aren’t always easy to detect and it reminds us to pay special attention to the ones we love.
Abraço,
Miguel
I find it more strange that she didn’t take her purse with her even if it would have sat in the car until her car was found. It’s pretty much automatic for those who carry one to leave the house with it every time they get in the car unless they are running outside quickly to get the mail, weed the flower bed, etc. That tells me that she either thought consciously to leave it sit in the house or that something else entirely different transpired at the house/in the yard, making suicide look like the most likely of explanations because there was no evidence to suggest foul play.
Was her car locked when it was found?
I’m very sorry for ur loss Zick. I would’ve spoken sooner about this but I wanted to choose my words carefully.
I can relate on losing a Mother. Although mine died in a car accident and I was 11 when that happened. I didn’t get to know the woman behind my Mom so my main hope for you is that you got that opportunity and that you had a good relationship with ur Mom overall.
Now even though this loss does affect me, it honestly makes me appreciate life just a little bit more. About a month ago, as most of you know, I was having a dilemma over my dream woman. Things were in limbo and I was so afraid of losing her that I felt ready to go. Not so much suicidal but I just wanted some freak accident to happen and leave my body for good. Sure getting that bummed out over a chick is a pretty bitch like thing but I’m speaking the truth. Of course all my worrying led to things not working out but we’re still friends and I’m ok with that. I’m even hoping things rekindle some time down the road when we have our lives more together. The biggest thing I learned from it is that if I’m gonna make a relationship work I’ve gotta grow up a bit. I’m really not mature enough for a commitment right now. I’m just gonna concentrate on school, finishing my record and finding a new place to live. Another goal for the year is to travel to LA/Hollywood for Ministry.
So yeah just thought I’d update you guys on that situation. I thought this was an appropriate thread for the update since I felt like dying. Even when I’m not depressed I sometimes wanna experience death and come back.
I find it more strange that she didn’t take her purse with her even if it would have sat in the car until her car was found. It’s pretty much automatic for those who carry one to leave the house with it every time they get in the car unless they are running outside quickly to get the mail, weed the flower bed, etc. That tells me that she either thought consciously to leave it sit in the house or that something else entirely different transpired at the house/in the yard, making suicide look like the most likely of explanations because there was no evidence to suggest foul play.
Was her car locked when it was found?
My guess is, Mooney, that she didn’t care about the bag and knew what she was going to do (or at least was in this zone where she was on a sort of autopilot and the bag didn’t figure, or even that she knew the bag could have been stolen from the car if the car was left open so she left it in the house). Believe me I looked for any clues that there might have been foul play but I can’t find anything. The cops did a forensic examination on the car and found nothing suspicious. There were no signs of foul play or disturbance in the house or car.
She could forget things frequently (she had a terrible fear of dementia) and we think she may have feared her memory was getting worse. She’d often misplace her glasses and to lesser extent her handbag. She lost her handbag earlier last year and freaked out over it (her bag was stolen from the house about 3 years ago) only for it to be found later that night. At times she had difficulty processing information and would have to ask questions over and over despite already receiving answers. From her internet history we saw she was looking up symptoms for difficulties in adult learning and processing of info. When she was stressed it was very hard to get through to her.
The car was not locked when found and the keys were in the ignition. It was parked neatly by the side of the road. It was spotted around 9:30am the Tuesday morning (a witness later told police that night), with no sign of her. We last saw her at 8:35am; it would have taken her at least 15 mins to get dressed (she was dressed as she would normally dress when leaving the house) She had taken in the bins (which are normally emptied no earlier than 9am) and it can take up to 10 mins to drive to this spot. My brother believes there must have been some trigger that set her off but I’m not convinced. Looking back on her last few days (the morning before her death she slept in much later than usual, which I thought was odd but again not suggestive of an imminent suicide) I think she knew to some degree what she was going to do and just needed a window of opportunity.
My sister recalls that my mother once said before during a conversation about suicide methods that she would go to this particular spot (where she died) and just wade into the river. But that wasn’t taken seriously or anything as others were saying they would shoot themselves and whatnot but were not considering doing it, more so talking about it in a disinterested way. She also told my dad the night before she died where all her cash and the deeds to the house were kept, to which he found not too alarming as he she reminded him about that before.
Retrospectively we can see things that sort of “fit in” as to reasons why, but the problem was not knowing just how bad it was with her.
Two of my best friends and room mates in college died last year.
One of the nicest, funniest guys I’ve ever known died of liver failure from alcohol and painkillers. Such a shame. His mother set up a facebook page in memory of him. It’s so sad to see her post, almost on a daily basis, how much she loves and misses her son.
The other guy, another good person, had struggled with IV oxycontin addiction for years and had finally gotten his life together. He had been sober nearing a year, and had joined the air force. He was in a car wreck, which wasn’t that serious, but was in some pain and was prescribed painkillers. I’m not sure if it was oxycontin or something weaker like lortab or percocet, but he overdosed the night he was realesed from the hospital. He fell asleep and never woke up. I’ve heard many times that the greatest danger to a former addict relapsing is the addict takes a dose or doses equal to what they were used to while they were heavily addicted with a much greater tolerance for the drug.
Death sucks…hang in there. [angelic]
Had she been going to a medical Dr on a regular basis or was she a person who avoided the Dr? If she had been going, you could obtain her medical records.
Had she been going to a medical Dr on a regular basis or was she a person who avoided the Dr? If she had been going, you could obtain her medical records.
she has a good point, zick,
how old was your mom? some women get kinda weird and lose their memory, behave strangely when they go through menopause… perhaps it was the reason for her depression as well… if she was going through menopause and wasn’t seeing a dr about it that could very well be the culprit. hormones all out of balance and no mood stabilizers is a bad combo… might be worth looking into the medical records if you’re still wondering “why?” might help your family get some closure on her reasoning if it is indeed that.
I’m not trying to send you on wild goose chases, i’m just trying to help come up with ideas that may give you some answers that will lead you to some peace with this… if I’m even a little bit offending you I am sorry and have no problem never posting about this again…
Late,
grmpysmrf
I was thinking I’d tell y’all to shut the eff up and quit playing “Clue” but after seeing Grump’s comment realize the search for the truth may lead to peace for some so I’ll let Zick decide if we’re all out of line or not. With respect to medical stuff . . .
I know (from first hand experience) that there are physical and chemical changes in a human body and brain which can cause such extreme depression and, as a resullt, poor decisions, including suicide. Again, I say this not as a casual reader of Wiki or a fan of “Law and Order” but as someone on the frontlines in the war that mental illness wages on families and friends . . . .
At one point in my own mother’s struggle, it was determined that her radical depression and feelings of self-worthlessness and suicide may in fact be related to some overactive parathyroid glands. Well, she had them removed and, in that time, things have APPARENTLY gotten better. Whether that is just cyclical, Dumbo’s feather placebo effect, or something else totally unrealted. We seem to have a handle on the sickness for the time being.
I guess I’m telling you all this to say that, even a rational, intelligent person with all the support structure you can imagine (friends, family, church, fitness, diet, etc, etc) can still be a victim to a bad wiring in the brain or an overactive hormonal gland here and there.
Again, I’m not trying to solve any mysteries here, but just being frank and honest in telling you that, when it comes to mental illness, there honestly is sometimes NOTHING you could have done to prevent it or make things better. Some people are just wired for this and it’s beyond our control.
I know nothing about your mom’s case, Zick, but you’ve always seemed like a straight-up, caring, and honest dude on this board and I’m quite certain that there was neither anything you and your pop did to cause this nor could you have done anything to stop this.
I just pray for peace and healing on your family and community as you go forward and continue your lives without your beloved mother whom I assure you did nothing out of spite, malice, or selfishness, but (even in such a stupid and horrid act) most likely had her family’s best interests at mind at aLl times.
Gunnar