So I’m 32, which if your a teenager is ancient but still just a kid if you are 40 and above (although, I’ll probably have different thoughts about that statement when I’m 40 and above), but still too young to die even by teenager status.
That being said, my best friend of 20 years was killed by some asshole in an SUV while my friend drove his motorcycle to work on Friday August 15. (Of course the SUV driver was fine not a scratch on him!) He was 32. I never had a brother, only an older sister who, while growing up, would sell me out to my parents at the drop of a hat if she knew it would gain her favor with my narcissistic parents. (Man her point count was up there, parents had no bones about playing favorites!!)
My buddy Cory came along right at about 13-14 years of age and is probably the closest thing I’ve ever had to what I would consider loving sibling. I mean what else would you call it when you can both take a shit at Best Buy in the stalls right next to each other and carry on a coversation as if we were driving somehwere in a car!We were friends for that whole time we had knew each other. none of that, “well we were good friends in high school but we drifted” bullshit. He and his wife and Ms. Smrf and I double dated not even two weeks ago. On August 5th he came over to my newly purchased house to help me load A range off of my truck and into my kitchen at 11:30 at night. He never complained he was happy to be helping out even if had just worked a double shift at his job!(train Mechanic for Santa Fe)
I’ve never had to deal with the unexpected death of a loved one and I can say it’s way worse than what I ever could have expected. I’ve seen people who have gone through this type of stuff and Always thought “Just SUCK IT UP” I had always knew that was a pretty callous thing to think but never really knew just how callous until now.
So my buddy leaves behind a grieving widow and a 12 year old daughter who had just started her 2nd day of 7th grade! His wife is a mess and it sucks because I’m just so struck by this that I can’t really help her out because when I get around her it’s like the grief just rubs off on me and makes me worse! It doesn’t help that I really didn’t care for his wife which makes me think that she thinks I’m purposely avoiding her cause I don’t like her. Which sucks, because I would like nothing more than to help tie up his loose ends and help his wife and daughter through this but it’s really just too painful. I don’t plan to go to his funeral (Thursday) because I’m just not ready to say good bye to my friend yet! I passed on seeing his body at the hospital because much like the funeral thing I wanna remember my friend the way I wanna remember him. I don’t want the image of lifeless eyes staring up at the ceiling with a fucking tube coming out of his mouth to taint my image him (that’s what his wife described through heaving sobs back in the hospitals “quiet room”)
I’ve never really believed in heaven or hell or the bible’s version of god so I don’t have anything to fall back on… I don’t suppose it would be any easier if I did but the whole death thing in itself the way I believe it to be (your dead no after life no feeling no more interaction at any level!) is just so hard to understand. At odd times through out the day and for no reason the thought “Cory is dead!” will pop into my mind. I guess I do it sub consciously to see if I am any better at getting my head around what has happened. Maybe it’s to practice the new phrase that now needs to enter my vocabulary…I don’t know.
So I thought I would post this and share a little bit of my friend with you all. For the naysayers you are probably right in that this post probably deserves to be written in a diary or something or kept personal. But because I don’t know any of you except through typed words it’s kinda like a virtual diary and perhaps if any of you have had this happen you can identify and if any of you never had this happen hope that it doesn’t because
DEATH SUCKS!
Late,
grmpysmrf
P.S. I gotta thank my buddy Cory For Alice in chains! Man, He swore by that group when we were in high school and and his impersonation of Of staley’s singing was nothing short of comedic genius!
I’m not really one to tell you what to do. It’s your life andwe all experience grief in different ways. But not going to the funeral will maybe not effect you now, but you probably will regret it one day. It’s just a human thing to go through the grieving process. I’d go. You don’t see the body at the funeral. Just the wake. So you’re mental image will not be altered
I lost a good friend last November, he died of a heart attack and it came out of the blue. He was a graphic designer and drummer and we did a good amount of creative work together and I’ve never been able to restore my passion for the Ka-baalim project I’m involved in after he passed (he made the physical copies of the last two releases we did). It’s been a hard year for all of us who knew him.
I’d have to recommend going to the funeral if you can make yourself. There’s a good chance you’ll hate it but even if you hate it there’s a good chance it’ll help you.
Take care of yourself, seriously.
your decision whether or not to go to the funeral. i’ve had good friends and roomates die and i refused to go.i don’t like death. when someone close is gone, it grabs your gut and doesn’t let go.
i don’t feel good or bad for not going to their services. i’d rather remember them as i knew them.
take care of your thoughts before thursday, but it is your decision, and don’t feel guilty about it.
I can understand a good bit of what you feel grmpy. I just lost one of my good friends last year under similar circumstances, a guy I’d known for almost thirty years. He was a daredevil motorcycle stuntman, and I knew one day something might happen to him, but he was killed driving home from a concert one night last February while exiting off the highway hit from behind. I hadn’t talked to him for some months before this, and didn’t even find out about the accident until a week later, by that time they’d already had the funeral.
So here’s a guy that was my oldest friend basically, and I never had a chance to even properly say goodbye. I don’t know how I can ever reconcile the feelings this leaves me with. Part of it makes me think it happened that way for a reason, so that much like you I can remember him the way he was and not as a body in a coffin. It basically just sucks.
Been there, done that. I’ve been to more funerals than both weddings and communions combined. And it is harsh. Losing someone who was only a few strands of DNA away from being your flesh and blood… Yeah. It gets to you, man.
Not sure what else I can say without being contrite or totally horrible, but goddamn. I’m truly sorry for your loss.
And yeah, go to the wake/funeral if you can. Closure is a beautiful thing.
Deepest sympathies, holmes.
My sincerest condolences to you. I lost my first grandparent back in March, and it’s like a cold shower you can’t turn off. Before she died, I’d only lost 3 great grandparents and a great uncle in my life, people I didn’t know too well. Some of my friends say that I’m lucky to have most of my family around, but I will have to learn to handle death that many more times down the road. Still, I may be lucky, but I’m not one of those people that isn’t afraid to die. I don’t get that anyway, I can’t stand the thought of eventually dying. I haven’t come to terms with my own mortality yet, sad but true. I’m too passionate about life. I’ve scared myself awake dreaming about everything becoming nothing one day, without schedule.
The funeral is definitely your personal choice. Some people need the closure, some want to remember them the way they were. It’s a person-by-person case; there is no right or wrong decision. I went to a friend’s wake in 1990. He died from a motorcycle accident, and the wake was open casket. It should have been closed casket, as I didn’t recognize the body that lay in the coffin. I didn’t attend the funeral. Stay strong, the healing is never easy.
1002
Hmm.
Condlences are in order. We all experience death in different ways so there is little else any of us can say…
Coincidentally, Im also going to a funeral on Thursday. My grandmother passed away after a long battle in the hospital.
I also experienced losing a very close friend once.
What can I say? It happens, its the order of things and thats it. I am not the mourning type, I just like to toast their memory with other people who cared about the deceased and then move on.
Hmmm, sad to hear about your sudden loss Grmpy. Have been there all too often myself so I definitely know what you are going through right now. There are no easy way outs on this one - it’s a dark road, but one you’re unfortunately going to have to trod down for a while.
In the last seven years I have lost five close friends - three to suicide, one to drugs and one from a blood clot in the brain. One of my friends, who was the most hardcore record collector EVER in world history, killed himself only two hours after talking to me on the phone about how he had just scored a rare Dario Argento soundtrack on vinyl - no kidding!! This guy lived for his record collection and to this day no one can figure out why he did it.
Also, another horrible story unfortunately, a distant relative of mine killed himself last February after one of his students accused him of molestation. And this is only a few months after he ‘beat’ cancer.
Yeah, life is a bitch alright.
Sorry to hear about your loss grmpy. This is a shit situation that one cant just avoid as the person who’s gone is a close friend, there’s no easy way out.
I lost a good friend last Halloween. He died in a single car accident, only 21. He was the funniest, soundest dude around, a guy you’d always be glad was around. He was the first guy from buddies from school who died so it was very heavy.
The guy driving the car, also a friend, was drunk and he rolled the car. He had to be sedated for the wake and funeral as did his parents cos it was such a fucking mess of a situation. But all the guys pulled together and included the driver in whatever was going on, as he was still a friend. He did wrong but it was an accident. Basically what I’m saying is that because everyone pulled together and was amiable with each other we got through the funeral and all that stuff reasonably well considering.
I hate churches, priests and all that crap and I dreaded the idea about going to the removal and funeral, but I said to myself that it wasn’t about me or my preferences, it was about my buddy so I went to the church with everyone else. The priest was a fucking dick, just went about the usual Catholic mass bullshit, but some of the guys got to play some music for our friend and that was great.
When my grandad (who was easily the coolest old man ever) died a few years ago everyone kept the head up and told jokes and stories of divilment about the guy and the whole mourning process was gentle because of that.
However there can be no gameplan for a tragic death, you just have to do your best and hope everyone can pull through. If I were in your shoes Id offer any help to his wife and daughter, regardless of what the wife is like because its about honouring your mate and helping those he cared about through this hard time, including you. But again he was your friend and you knew him like a bro so maybe think how he would deal with such a situation or something like that.
Remember the good times you shared with the dude and those memories will get you through.
Go to the funeral.
It’s for his family really, not for him, y’know?
Thanks everyone for replying.
I was seriously considering going but I’ve I have just learned It’s not a buriel it’s a memorial. His wife is going to have him cremated. So He may already be cremated. I’ve been reminisccing the good times ever since Friday and it’s comforting for a while but then it just turns to sadness. I’ve been “ok” since Sunday but last night I was thinking about all the shit we had done together just quirky shit that I hadn’t thought of in years. For example, when he changed deoderants when we were in high school he switched to Old SPice and I guess after about an hour or so he it would start to sting his pits so he would flap his arms like a duck and say “oooh Spicy” LOL God damn he was a funny dude!
Thanks for your condolences as well as your own personal stories. I understand that the burial/memorial is for the family but I don’t know what kind of comfort I can be to them if I too am a sobbing mess! [:(]
I will say that after reading some of your posts I am leaning a little closer to going than I was before. although I’m still commited to not going but That may fall even more before tonight!
Late,
grmpysmrf
i have never liked looking at un-animated versions of my friends/loved ones. i’ve always tried to remember them before.
sorry to hear of your loss. that’s harsh stuff to deal with. hope you find solace in music.
Ironic that you say that, catgoat, because as I’ve been reading this thread, the damnedest track popped up on my random playlist: Killing Joke’s “Absent Friends.”
I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. And to add a corny quote to the mix ‘Don’t cry because it’s over smile because it happened’
I’ll drink to that, Velvet.
Seriously. Everyone on thi forum should take a moment to knock one back for their departed/estranged/lost friends and family.
I should mention here that my mother took her own life at the start of this month. She was 61. A bizarre and confusing thing. It’s been a weird past few weeks but we’ve been lucky to have many great people around us. I thought I’d tell this here as suicide is becoming more and more prevalent and it’s so difficult to grasp or put answers/solutions to. It needs a lot more open dialogue (it is still being under reported in some parts… like when coroners put down death by misadventure because there wasn’t a suicide note, the real figures would be very scary). 17 people in my town and the next (a total pop. of less than 40, 000) killed themselves in the first two weeks of this year. Old men, middle aged women, even an 18 year old kid who got dumped by his gf.
If anyone wants to discuss aspects of suicide I’d welcome it (or pm me if preferred).
Zick, I’m so sorry to hear that, Brother! I’m catching a plane right now, otherwise I might say a few more words, though I never know what to say anyway. What can be said? Anyway, just know my heart is with you, Homie, and I wish and pray the best for you and your family and everyone affected.
Yeah, like Gunnar said, I don’t even know what to say.
Sorry for your loss, man.
Jesus man, that made me sick to read that.
I’m really sorry for your loss.
I’ll try to start a discussion on this with you although really I don’t know what to say so hopefully I don’t offend.
Was your mom despondent could anyone tell their was a problem. Was it out of no where?
They say that people near suicides should get counseling because it tends to be contagious, in that some people try to copy.
They say that suicide is the most selfish act a person can indulge in. It leaves family and friends to grieve and wonder why. It leaves everyone feeling helpless because they were unable to try to fix things especially if they didn’t know there was a problem.
Betrayal of trust is huge.
I’ve had a student commit suicide (an 8th grader but on all accounts should’ve been a 10th grader) and while he wasn’t even close to the model of a stellar human being (if you know what I mean) I still grieved for his family and for him. he had put them through so much prior to that act and they still loved him and believed in him but he basically took all of that and slapped them in the face with it by leaving. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to deal with this with a close loved one.
I hope you weren’t the one to find her. And. I’m sure this will probably be with you for the rest of your life, but you will find a way to deal with this with the least amount of intrusion into your life.
I wish you all the best of courage and stamina.
Late,
grmpysmrf