WARNING: THIS INTERVIEW CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE (lots of bullshit) and EMBARRASSING ADMISSIONS.
Now that I got your attention … Tom servo, crow, Mike/Joel Hodson etc cannot appear tonight instead we have a bored message board loser and he will be commenting in the parenthesis
I would like to introduce you to Al Jourgensen. For those of you (left) who are Ministry fans, you know one Al – the crazy drug- and-alcohol fueled musician who made the (early) '90s a better time for us all, the Al with the liver of steel and the throat of bile ( and a bald head of fake dreads with a do-rag). You might know the Al who had the Depends endorsement {go to Uncle Pauly’s and buy him a drink and he MAY tell you that story}(translation: old man al pisses and/or shits himself frequently). But I would like to introduce the Al that I’ve had the pleasure to get to know over the last six years. As some of you may know, my husband (which is who?)has worked (why) with Al professionally several times (fool him twice shame on him) over the last seven years, and in doing so, I met Al, the band, and his wife Angie. I was able to sit down with him for a couple of hours right before they loaded up for tour two months ago (so when he says things happened on tour he means “THE FUTURE”?) , and he’s full of (shit) surprises. Read: Al on gardening, Al on strip clubs, Al on Real Estate, Al on tour, Al on El Paso, and of course Al on music. (he knows jack shit about all the above) Sit back (take the ticket) and enjoy the ride.
*** (stars given for effort)
“[Rehearsal’s] been crazy. People quitting, one guy, our guitar tech, I think he’s dead now…
[Tour Manager: No, you didn’t hear? He called me. He made it to Phoenix. He was in the Hospital. He’s doing better. He had a bleeding ulcer. He just wasn’t ready for this tour…] (this actually explains alot. a tour with no tour maganager)
“We keep a diary (what i can’t rip off a Connelly idea one more time before I quit?) , ‘Dear diary, Day 28…’ no today’s 29. No, every day there’s some kind of weird crap going on. (just not in the setlist or on stage)
“Tommy [Victor] quit after I beat him with a dead skunk (the one on my head). Of course, I beat him with it, and then I threw it at his head. The day his girlfriend got here, the last day of rehearsals, both of them are sleepin’ and I just break in and hit them with this dead skunk (well,more of a weave) . He got pissed. He went to Fabens and pouted for a while, and came back. I literally have it written down (on paper even). I think it’s back at the house with Angie. ‘Day 12- ate a worm from the Mezcal bottle. (Day 13 scene from poltergeist happens) Day 16- people quit, people died, people got hit with (with what? the excitement is killing me… tell me al)…’ It’s been nuts, man. But we sound(ed) good (in the 90’s with paul).
“That Europe trip (what euro trip?) [a long story involving a bus going through the Alps during a heat wave without air conditioning, breaking down, driving limos through Scotland while the entire band got car sick – Justin has it all on DV tape] was a nightmare (as was that run on sentence). That was a fucking nightmare(oh this gets worse). That was FUBAR (the band and the tour). That was the definition of FUBAR, but we survived it (then it wasn’t FUBAR). So this isn’t bad (exactly. not FUBAR). Tommy calls this Ministry Ultra-Lite, because there’s only (one original member left) been one death so far … the guy’s in the hospital – he had to be helicoptered out of here …”
I asked Al the question that I’m sure was on your minds (what’s on your chinny chin chin): Why didn’t you book a gig in El Paso? (not on my mind)
“This town is screwy. It’s like, you have the Coliseum, you’ve got the Haskins Center and 101 is the next thing down. We’re (below that) right in this middle section between huge places and clubs, so the town has to have something to accommodate that. We’re doing the Sunshine again in Albuquerque – it’s the closest we’re getting here – and that’s like 1,700 I think. We’re right in that 1,700-2,000 range. Some cities, like 2,500. (translation we aren’t popular enough to book a venue there)
“We called [Abraham Chavez] and they said no (it’s a Bush conspiracy) . We called them and they said, ‘No, we’ve never heard of you.’ (sign of the times) We tried to get a show here. We really did." (first honest thing he’s said this interview… or press release or whatever this is)
Justin and I really wanted to be in Chicago for the last show, but, as usual, Justin’s work schedule didn’t pan out. Chicago is Al’s hometown. (who is justin?)
“I was just there, like, two weeks ago, me and Angie. The Chicago Blackhawks flew us up, put us at the Hard Rock Hotel, in the Penthouse Suite – $1,500 bucks a night – you have to have your own key in the elevator to get up there. It’s because we wrote the theme for the Blackhawks, their new hockey song. And they flew me up there to do press with ESPN and FOX and all this other stuff. They treated us like kings. Kings. We sat in the owner’s booth during the game. I’ve known the owner for 20 years. This kid used to be my personal assistant. He said he wanted to learn the music business from the ground up, so I go well, ‘I’ve got plenty of ground here. I don’t know about the up part.’ (i’ll leave that alone)
"So he’s a billionare – these people are billionares, right? They own the biggest liquor distributors in the United States, Bismark (which is it? USA or Bismark). Anyways, he literally was like my butt-boy (que “I’m not gay”) for two tours (like most past members). And then he got a job in New York (:ahem: quit), moved to New York, and started from the ground up this publicity company. And then he moved to London and got a job running an independent label. I mean, this guy really has done it from the ground-up. He didn’t just want favors because he’s a rich kid. I love this kid for that. He was the best man at my wedding. I love this kid. (just not when he was poor and working for me) So I’ve known the people who own the whole building – the United Center, (who won’t let my band play shows there) so it was a natural fit. So the last thing that me and Raven worked on was this song that sounds like a Gary Glitter song. It sounds like a hockey song. So that’s the last thing that me and Raven did before he died. We’re going to be there for, like, 6-7 days. (shit from the previous paragraph i thought this had happened already)
“You’ll fall in love (with my first cd). You’ll fall in love (with sympathy). And you know what else? We have a thousand balloons every night with Ministry logos coming down off a net. Then we play, ‘It’s a Wonderful World’ by Louie Armstrong. We’ve got a balloon drop every night.(is this something like when a guys balls drop?) This is going to be fun. They added a third show in New York (No they didn’t it was 2 nights). We’ve got three in L.A. Four in Chicago now. Two in San Francisco. They’re all sold out (well as long as we are making shit up). Everything’s sold out (even Al). Literally ( i think this is the 4th ‘literally’ usage) the entire tour. It really makes me feel good after all these years, ‘cause people are really starting to realize that I’m serious – I’m over it. I won’t even leave my compound unless I’m in my scooter wheelchair going to Western Beverage (ok no balloon head jokes here, but had his head been non inflated he would have walked). I could be a recluse .
“It’s just nice that everyone’s comin’ out. We’ve got Neil Young in London that’s going to play with us. Keith Richards in New York’s gonna play with us. We’re doing ‘Under My Thumb’ with him. Billy Gibbons in L.A. Joey’s flying out from Slipknot to do the whole first encore with us in Chicago. Rick Nielson and Robin Zander from Cheap Trick. Everyone’s comin’ out of the woodwork. It’s awesome (It’s pretend… it’s not gonna happen). It’s the way I wanted to go out --on my own terms.
“We got the Static X guy, Tony, he fits right in (he’s bald too). There’s no learning curve or anything (we run tape). He just fits right in personality wise. He’s awesome. New drummer, new bass player, the guitar player was seamless because he played on the record, because Mikey [Mike Scattia], who knows? He wigged out. (found a better band)
“He does that. Every two years he storms off, and freaks out and disappears for a year, only this time it’s been two years. We call him, we send texts … nothing back. Isa saw him at the airport in El Paso. Apparently he’s playing with some members of Pantera (warning name dropping)-- some ex-members. I assume he’s living in El Paso. I heard he moved to St. Louis for a while. He’s got three kids right now, plus two from a previous marriage. (he knows cause he’s al’s friend)
“We’ve got these VIP tickets that Angie set up that are like $100 bucks and include meet and greets and get a drum head or a poster or something signed. It’s ridiculous, expensive tickets, but they’re all sold out (last suckers stupid fuckers… bye bye). The whole tour. There’s still tickets left for general admission but the entire tour of 40 dates is sold out of all the VIP tickets (again finally truth, the tour is NOT sold out)-- there’s a hundred VIP tickets a night. Angie did a great job. She kicked ass. I’m going to go out in a blaze of glory (funny i don’t remember a bon jovi cover but most people left during the cover part of the show). It makes it all worth it.(ripping off more fans)
Talking about El Paso:
“You know Jenni (867-5309), I’m actually happy that we’re not playing, only because I really like my anonymity here. Nobody knows who the hell I am (it’s not just there). I mean, there’s a few of you guys that know I’m a maniac and all this stuff, but I basically just go to Uncle Pauly’s, or Lloyds, and go home. It’s close. It’s a few blocks away. Nobody really gives a shit that it’s Ministry or whatever (again the truth). I’m pretty much left alone, ya know? I like that. God, if I lived in LA I’d be puking right now (you’d be puking anywhere right now porkchop). It’s just like, everybody knows who I am or thinks they know who I am (he’s speaking these delusions of grandeur). I can’t walk down the street without seeing five people that look like me, exactly dressed and shit (people exactly dressed like you with shit are called bums al). I like El Paso and its anonymity (this town could be your town).”
For the last three or so years, Al has been using his garage on the Westside as a recording studio, and has housed the bands who record their in their home (a type-o i guess… and in whose homes al’s our the bands’?). Al will soon be moving to La Mesa, NM where he has plans to build a studio complex to accommodate the acts who record under his label Thirteenth Planet. (everybody is building a home studio these days)
“Wait till you see the inside. The guy built it by hand (one board at a time even) , this weird sculptor guy that got a job in Galveston working for Exxon to build sculptures for Exxon, all their major offices. And the guy hates corporations, and they’ve already paid him in full, so he’s building all these perverted – like a giant steel cock going into a mouth, and shit. They don’t even know. Me and Angie were just freaked out. It’s three acres. We’re building a band compound here with a full studio. (like you’re old compound with a studio in the garage)
“We’re building a four-bedroom band compound with a live room. And then the garage is going to be like my little mix studio. I’m buying another SSL board. I’m going to have two studios going, and this place is unbelievable. The guy built it like a Goudi place. There’s not a single square room on the entire premises, it’s all curved (and we’re gonna have levels… just nothing but steps) . It’s in New Mexico, the Upper Valley, basically. (uhm the steps?)
“We’re stayin’. That’s it. Isa – this guy that works with the label – his dad built all those rock walls for the City. He’s been doing it for 30 years. So he’s doin’ like a 14-foot wall around all three acres of the compound. That’s what I’m working for right now. I found my place. It’s my last tour. There’s no zoning out there. We can drill our own well. We can go solar. We can go wind. It’s a big deal. We’re completely off the grid… (guess al has bad memories of being raided by the FBI and needs high walls and waco tendencies)
“Right now, it’s completely a buyer’s market. In L.A., if you can even find three acres, that’s a $7-10 million compound. It’s insane …
“You know the singer of The Cocks [The Revolting Cocks] moved here (Connely moved?). The keyboard player is moving here. The guitar player is moving here. Billy Gibbons wants a ranch. In the next couple of years this place is going to be fun. I’ve traveled (been) around the world (and I, I, I, I. I can’t find my baby), man, and there’s only one other place else I’d move and it’s Southern Spain, which is very similar to this. It’s the same thing. It’s the same weather, the same topography. (Al just knows about everything there is… Go ahead, Give him a topic. Quantum physics? Nigga please… Code? what do you think he wrote “10001110101” about? wait wrong band) I love it here. I really do. I tell people that and everyone gets confused about that. (shit now i’m confused)
“I’m (out) on a mission. I’m on a fuckin’ (stolen car) mission. (I had a small problem with the transmission) I can’t believe this place. There’s only one other place that I’ve seen like this where people were really ashamed of where they’re from and that was (my last show) Cleveland, when the lake caught on fire and shit in the '80s. ‘Why did you move from Venice Beach?’ Because a) I didn’t have to pay some slumlord $5,000 a month, b) I like the weather better, and (they didn’t want me there 
)it’s just cool. I like it here. When I’m in L.A. it’s not like I go out to all the trendy places (they won’t let me in and don’t know who I am, unless they dress like me and shit). It’s like, God, this is a nightmare for me, because they know who I am. (they dress like me and shit) Here nobody knows who I am. They don’t give a fuck. (throw a dart on a map and chances are they don’t know or give a fuck about you there)
“That’s what I like about El Paso. It’s always been a city of outlaws where nobody asks questions (in english), because everybody has issues (not the korn kind). Green (jelly) card issues, or murder (inc.) issues, or (a funky) crime issues – know what I’m saying? I think it’s perfect for me. You remember that guy from the Clash that lived here. (watch out, names are dropping again) Remember that guy, Paul Simonon? He knew what he was doing. I talked to Joe Strummer (shit, avalanche) about it before he died. He was telling me about El Paso before I even moved here, and then he died. (these are all the people who died, who died… they’re all my friends, and they died) But, he’s all about it. This place is for outlaws. This is the place that you go to be quiet and not bother anybody." (so shut the fuck up… it’s late and i’m running out of jokes)
“I have this garage that I like to work in because I’m (poor) doin’ soundtracks now and mixing stuff in a garage (down by the river). The exact same garage ( I just mentioned a few times) I have now. I’m moving that [mixing suite] into the new garage and then I’m getting a whole 'nother set of SSLs. (so you’re moving your old garage into your new garage? “BRILLIANT” phildo)
“The Prong album was (attrocious) recorded here [at Sonic Ranch] and mixed at my place (the aforementioned garage). I did the soundtrack for this thing called ‘Wicked Lake,’ this horror movie that was filmed in El Paso; ‘The Last Sucker,’ the Ministry cover album (remember them); and I did a Revolting Cocks album, all in the last year. ‘Rio Grande Blood’ was [tracked in the garage] (what garage? was it al’s garage?) and mixed in Phoenix. We did seven albums once we got the studio up and running. Seven albums in less than 14 months … crazy (OUTSTANDING)… Angie’s a little stressed about it, all the promotion for the label. (what label? your label? you promoted that stuff? really?? where? why? who cares? SFW)
“This Cocks record is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life (and i only mixed it). I don’t know, I finally did an album that I can listen to later, and I can’t say it sucks (cause i’m not on it). Everything’s amazing on it. Every song’s a hit. Josh lives here. Clayton’s moving here. Sin’s moving here. It feels like a band. We have ridiculous songs on here. We have a song about Josh getting caught fucking his cousin at summer camp when he was eight, and his dad beats his ass. We’re doing a video for this [plays song about the Red Parrot] at the Red Parrot … just listen to that cowbell (nobody REALLY likes cowbell… it was just a SNL skit)… It’s the first time in my life I had something sent back from (the garage)mastering and I had nothing to bitch about.
“There’s this new place we’ve been going to. It’s called Extreme Fantasy.(you know Al name drops either people or places a hell of a lot) It’s the size of this kitchen. The father plays a Casio [keyboard]. The mother meets you at the door and serves you drinks and two of his daughters dance. It’s horrible. He’s playing, like, ‘Girl from Impanema’ (al only wishes he was as good as the b-52’s) while his daughters dance (at the funplex).
[song about the Banditos biker crew comes on] (???)
“I met the leader of the Banditos the other night. I drank with them at Pauly’s. I didn’t know who they were (but I dropped their name anyway). I drank with them all night, and I said, ‘Don’t get mad at us. We wrote a song about you fucks, that we out-fuck you.’ They laughed their ass off. An entire table full of Banditos at Pauly’s.(people we don’t know at a place that we’re never going to go to. wait didn’t al say he didn’t know who they were… so how did he write a song about them… or is it more of this pre-tour interview stuff where he talks about what’s in his tour diary. it’s some weird time warp thing)
“I gave [the band(itos)] to these three guys: Clayton, Josh and Sin…I made them sign a contract that says that they have to give it away to three other idiots, cause (nobody wants this shit anymore) it started (as a joke that got the whole world laughing… but if i could only see… that the joke was on me) with three people. I made them sign a contract that in five years, just find anyone else that you want I’ll produce them. I’m not in the band anymore. And then they have to give it to three idiots that they find. It’s like Menudo. (so no orignal members? it IS menudo… wait wasn’t ricky martin in menudo? who’s not gay mind you)
“[The Cocks are going on tour] in October. It’s coming out in October. They’re going without me (good luck booking clubs). I’m not going. I make merch money. (the truth comes out)
“We’ve really worked our asses off to make sure that we can stay here, forever. (who is this we? the royal we? I know al sure as hell didn’t do a lot of work or come up with the ideas… allegedly) I’m so happy, you have no idea. You’ve never seen me like this. (my head is huge… LITERALLY) This is the happy Al.”
Al and Company are on the road again for Ministry’s final European tour. Al and Angie have some more plans in the works. They’re in negotiations right now with MTV for a reality show called, “Gardening With Evil” in which Al, who is an avid gardener, teaches gardening tips to other stars. It should be immensely entertaining. (I just… I… I got nothing to say anymore… I tried)
i don’t know… add some jokes in… have a ball…
yeah i have alot of free time sometimes in the middle of the night… which is when i typed this… some jokes may have been more funny then.