Give a bunch of 12 year olds a distortion pedal, a guitar and a drum machine then give them 2 hours in a recording studio. Take the finished product to one of these heavy metal “reviewers” tell them what you are giving them is a hush hush advanced copy of a mega hyped “next big thing” and they are the lucky first in line to review said product.
Then sit back and laugh your ass off as you read the two page masturbatory suck fest of a review that senor dickface reviewer cums out.
“Fuck me if this isn’t the most awesomest, most pounding, most supremely worthy slab of metal mother insanity I’ve heard all year. They way it just crams itself into every orifice of your living soul with adrenaline fueled intensity just astounds me. It’s like every heavy metal anthem ever written times ten. If Ronnie Dio were alive today he’d on his knees beside me in the living room here with his devil horns aimed at the heaven screaming his lungs and begging for more. Fuck this is awesome.”
Seriously, the old adage “give a monkey a typewriter and enough time and he will eventually produce Shakespear” has never rung so true.
Take the finished product to one of these heavy metal “reviewers” tell them what you are giving them is a hush hush advanced copy of a mega hyped “next big thing” and they are the lucky first in line to review said product.
Then sit back and laugh your ass off as you read the two page masturbatory suck fest of a review that senor dickface reviewer cums out.
To be fair, this could go for just about any genre of music reviewers that isn’t straight-forward rock & roll or pop music. Nothing worse than some critic prying their tongue ass-deep into some hipster trio fuckheads from Brooklyn or drone-making dingleberries wearing all black sporting mountain-man beards.
It’s all subjective. Really, I think I just have a distaste for all critics, with completely minor exceptions.
The problem with music magazines, websites, etc. is that the people are really afraid to “bash” the artists because they desperately want their cooperation, input, support, etc.
Back around 2003 I got to see a premiere of Metallica’s “Some Kind of Monster” and wrote a really sarcastic review of it calling Metallica out for being a bunch of emo sissies (I probably can find the piece if anyone is interested) and sent it to the radio station that had given me the pass to the event.
I got called by one of the show producers who thought it was brilliant and since they were having Metallica on the show in the next couple days thought it would be hilarious to have me on at the same time as the jaded heavy metal prick who would “rip these guys a new asshole”. I was really excited for the opportunity and was looking forward to the big event, but the day before it I got a call from the guy who very humbly and apologetically explained that our plans were 86’d by the big bosses who felt it much more important to have the positive rapport with the artists than it was to have brutal honesty and entertainment at Metallica’s expense. By the way, one of the reasons the producer and others were championing me is because they pretty much unanimously AGREED with my sentiments but they needed a third party mercenary to go after the target.
Anyway, stuff like this happens all the time and other than angry little bastards sitting in their basements banging away on a keyboard (i.e. ALL of us), you’ll never really get honesty from a magazine, TV show, radio show, etc. Profit and sustainability comes first.
Man, I REALLY wanted to rip Metallica in person. It would have been so epic if James punched me or something.
And, yes, I’m totally gay for Metallica. I just happen to call a spade a spade or a Lulu a big stinking turd.
The problem with music magazines, websites, etc. is that the people are really afraid to “bash” the artists because they desperately want their cooperation, input, support, etc.
one of the reasons the producer and others were championing me is because they pretty much unanimously AGREED with my sentiments but they needed a third party mercenary to go after the target.
This is exactly why most broadcasting never attracts the audience of 18-25. People like Jay Leno, David Letterman, Ryan Seacrest, whatever…the interviews are “safe”. Nothing is subjective. God forbid someone disagree with something. It’s why when you get a Lindsay Lohan or some troubled person in an interview that gets ratings, because someone’s GOTTA state the obvious. RIGHT?
Oh, how I pine for the days when we can go back to this format…smoking indoors, dry wit, high tension and full-on anger:
HAHAHA!!! Fantastic. I love Johnny. He’s so skilled at making people uncomfortable. But Tom Snyder handled himself like a pro and the longer the interview went the more Johnny and Keith just looked like empty, self-absorbed jackasses.
I used to love the old Howard Stern show back in the late 80’s/ early 90’s. He would get people (usually washed up has been TV stars) booked on his show whose agents obviously had no idea what kind of show they were getting their clients into. And then he would just clown 'em like nobody’s business. The magic was completely gone quite shortly thereafter (much in the same way that Borat/Ali G can’t work once everyone is in on the joke).
Here are my impressions of Relapse. As I am writing this, I’m listening to the album for the third time so far. In other words, these are very fresh in my mind and not very carefully thought out. I might change my mind about any or all of these songs.
General impressions:
If I were to sum up my impressions of this album after 3 listens in just a few words, they would be: honesty, personality, charm. Musically this album is a mixed bag of some interesting ideas, some not-so-interesting ideas and outright filler. Lyrically, this is refreshing. I feel that one of the reasons why the Bush trilogy is so maligned here is that it failed to live up to the esoteric, experimental, amazing Ministry legacy that we are all familiar with and that Al created with Paul Barker. With Relapse, there is clearly no such pretense going on - this is all about Al: his politics, his addiction and his musical tastes. I feel that in many ways, Al is baring a bit of his soul with this one. This is why this album is honest, full of personality and somewhat charming. Admittedly, sometimes it all sounds like something you’d hear at group therapy but it is still a new side of Al. But hey, I’m an addict myself so this sort of thing might appeal more to me than to others.
Ghouldiggers
Starts with an extended spoken word section over some guitar chords that sounds a bit like AC/DC. Predictably morphs into a full-on thrash assault after a few minutes. The song is underwhelming musically, there is not much melody involved, its all screaming and vitriol aimed at the music industry. It does reveal that personal nature of this album that I’ve mentioned earlier.
Double Tap
Another full-on thrash assault in vein of RGB and TLS. This is a pretty extreme song featuring really fast drums and faux-symphonic (ie. synthonic) elements. It makes me think of black metal at times. Easily the best metal song on the album.
Freefall
Finally a direct song about drugs. Musically this is still a full-on thrash assault. Better than Ghouldiggers but not as good as Double Tap. Features some of that country vibe from Jesus Built My Hotrod and Warp City. Lyrics continue to be quite personal. Here is a quote: I pound away at social injustice
It doesn’t make a bit of difference
So I get wasted every single day
It’s my only deliverance
Kleptocracy
Boy does this song’s chorus annoy the fuck out of me. Lyrically it is about… something. I can’t really tell. Bit of a filler song IMO but some might like it.
United Forces
This cover is actually shockingly good.
99 Percenters
We all know this song by now. It offers some respite after the 4 full-on thrash assaults and is not really that bad a song, even with its silly countdown lyrics.
Relapse I’m waiting for the end of days
I think I’m going but I just might stay
But I’m too wasted to care
And if I go well fair is fair
I think these lyrics pretty much sum up this album’s unique blend of honesty and stupidity. I actually meant this as a compliment though - it is what it is and there is no pretense about it. I kinda like this approach to be honest, it has that charm and sense of personal confession that I keep on mentioning.
Weekend Warrior
Has someone other than Al on vocals. Could be Sammy D’Ambruoso since he’s the one who wrote the lyrics. Its a punk song about being a drug addict who lives for the weekend. There is some charm to this song. It is a little more ‘industrial’ than most of the songs before it, just slightly reminds me of KMFDM.
Get Up Get Out And Vote
The filler track. Sounds like a trilogy outtake. It is about as sophisticated and complex a song as it’s title suggests.
Bloodlust
Starts familiar enough with the thrash riffs, mid-tempo drums and Al screaming. In the chorus Al actually sings (gasp). This is as close to ‘butt-rock’ as Ministry ever got IMO. Once again, has some charm.
Relapse Defibrillator Mix
A very fun mix of this song. There are elements of classic synth Ministry and some trance/house stuff thrown in.