Confession: I have a soft spot for TV commercials that are based on cheesy, nauseating re-writes of bands’ hit songs. ESPECIALLY bands that are ‘critically acclaimed’ in some way. A great example of this would be [url https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tta6bAeN_Tk]New Order covering their own ‘Blue Monday’ as an ad for Sunkist.
Said song inspired me and my gang of ne’er-do-wells to try our hand at similar rewrites. We did all the “untouchable,” “eternal” songs such as Joy Division’s ‘Atmosphere’ and re-vamped them to sell mega-brands like Pepsi and International House of Pancakes.
Our brainstorming session also yielded a version of the main ‘Stigmata’ verse to be used in a Sprite ad, so, if you are reading this Al…
Fla-vored with le-mon
Fla-vored with lime
The only taste I need
IS A RE-FRESHING SPRIIIIIITE!!!
^ Cue imagery of ‘central casting’ types playing volleyball, running gleefully in front of open fire hydrants, and hugging golden retrievers.
Anybody else want to take a crack at it?
(p.s. yes I’m aware that Al already did a Fanta commercial ages ago, but it just doesn’t have the same bite as a TV jingle by ‘aggro’ Ministry.)
On a previous forum I’d written out a full press-release for a line of Ministry-endorsed Ben and Jerry’s flavors. I can’t remember them all now, but I think some of them were . . .
Can of Grape and Honey
Lime Is a Terrible Thing to Taste
Figmata
Rio Grande Fudge
Put the packet in the stove
Grab the fork you’re going to use
Start the timer
Then eat the goddamned tots!
Genius! That’s exactly the kind of jingle that tater tots need to be properly re-branded and marketed to the “in-the-know” millenial generation. You’re hired!
In the meantime, I think that “So What” would be the perfect new commercial theme song for Pizza Hut restaurants worldwide:
That’s right, we’re bakin’ up
some pies
So fresh you won’t believe
your eyes
It’s no lie
Toppings mile high
And even a crust
with the cheese baked inside!
…The HUT! (repeat x4)
(voiceover by sickeningly bubbly MTV VJ-style female voice: “The New Pizza Hut. It makes you wanna say ‘so what’ to the average pie!”)
Yes, Reload was just itching to be re-made into a jingle for my most hated home improvement store:
[i]You want to get a great deal
On a leaf blower from Stihl?
Well we’ve got nothing to hide
It’s only $199!
At
Home…
…DEPOT!
Home…
…DEPOT!
You say your home is a wreck?
Get WaterSeal for your deck
At
Home…
…DEPOT!
Home…
…DEPOT!
It’s time to settle the score
Behr Premium paint for your floor
Home…
Home…
…DEPOT!
You wanna go shop at Lowe’s?
You’d better take it from me
If we can’t match their price
We’ll give it to you for FREE
At
Home…
Home…
…DEPOT![/i]
(‘folksy d.i.y. guy’ voiceover: is your home looking like it’s owned by a ‘Filth Pig’? Take it from Al Jourgensen and Ministry: come on in to Home Depot. Let’s Do This.)
How about one for AAA’s roadside assistance service?
We can use Revolting Cocks’ “Attack Ships On Fire” . . .
[Commercial starts with close up of a man’s face of anguish. As he starts screaming, the camera pans out . . . we see him standing next to a truck with the hood popped open and smoke seeping out. The pan continues to show that he is on one of those long roads through Joshua Tree or something and he’s in the middle of the desert without a person or building in sight for miles. He’s screaming to the skies . . . ]
“Someone somewhere fix my truuuuck!!!
Someone somewhere fix my truuuuck!!!
Someone somewhere fix my truuuuck!!!”
[Camera pan continues out until we see a tow truck enter the frame on the right side. A friendly and well-groomed driver is cruising along the road on his way to save the poor lad. Of course “Hero” is playing on his radio as he pulls up to our buddy in distress.]